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Updated: Jan 2, 2023

Most people wake up in the morning and say Thank You Jesus. I wake up and ask, why am I still here?

It has been on my heart to share this truth for some time now. In the spirit of transparency I want to show someone who may be questioning whether they should continue to live that we are the same. We are all struggling with something.

I had been trying to contact a friend since March and in July I found out he passed in April. I called his phone again in disbelieve hoping it wasn’t true, but his father finally answered and confirmed it was. The conversation led me to believe that he may have taken his own life, but I can't say for certain because his father didn't explicitly say. I spoke to my friend briefly in February and he never gave me any indication that he was struggling emotionally. He was not one to ignore my calls and text so it was bothering me that he wasn’t responding which is why I kept calling and texting. Apparently he had shut everybody out and there was no funny, flip, you ain’t my friend, you don’t love me no more text that I was going to send to get him to let me back in.

For quite some time now I have been reminding God that I am ok with him not waking me up. Not because I don’t love my life, but because I am exhausted from just living in this ugly world we live in. It’s like we wake up every day to a more vile, evil and toxic environment. To add insult to injury there are way too many people that justify this behavior as a person having rights to their own opinion and freedom of speech.

I try my best to be kind, accepting, understanding and present because I know what it’s like to be mistreated and to watch others be mistreated. How we treat someone could be the very interaction that pushes them to make a decision to leave. The only way this world is going to get better is if we as individuals do our part. As individuals we need to be mindful about any hateful, jealous or envious energy that we possess. We need to understand our fears so they don’t cause us to spew evil into the world. I want a better world for us to live in if God is going to keep waking us up.

All of the people that I have known personally to commit suicide were good people. They were loved by their family and friends and left more hurt behind than any truth that they would have shared ever could. They were people who were disciplined enough to accomplish great things in life, but for some reason out of their control they still felt like they were a burden.

If you are reading this and you have reached a point in your life where you feel you no longer want to be here, I ask that you talk to at least one person that loves you. Be fully transparent with them about your wishes. If you don’t have someone that you want to have this conversation with I am here and I understand. I will give you the point of view of a loved one that would not want to see you go. I won't tell you to get over it, toughen up, or to be grateful. I will support you by listening and allow you to speak your heart without judgement.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


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